Just realized that i dont have clothes for grownup dating. My wardrobe largely consists of oversized t-shirts, yoga pants, and jeans. And im off on my first vacation in eight years soon… This really boils down to the obvious; i am going to have to go shopping. And i really hate shopping. Especially for clothes 😦
Which probably explains why i don’t have the needed items, haha.
Having a conversation with a work buddy the other day about weekend plans. He was asking what mine were and i told him that i didnt have any yet but i was hoping to. Fast forward past him trying to convince me to move a few tons of stone for him and the wife. He asks what im hoping to do this weekend and my blunt and likely inappropriate answer was – get laid. Now where most people would have been shocked or horrified; he bursts out laughing. His comment was “why cant more women be upfront about that kind of stuff?”
If i had to guess… maybe the social stigma? Or they feel that men like them to play coy? Or that they are supposed to behave and speak in certain ways?
I was raised with all of the above. Maybe it doesnt apply to the population at large?
But im old now, and only seeing one person, so i dont feel as wierd being blunt. At least with people that i know well. Not quite to the level of public announcement yet.
Though i did get my first in public kiss recently. Blushing just thinking about it; maybe im not as much of a badass as i like to think. 😀
It seems so much of what we do is struggle. Do what is asked, what we must. I live in tiny moments outside of duty. Where in time/space? Everything flows; and is connected… and i play my small part in the great symphony
Received an amazing offer of assistance with a career change. So huge that i’m a little hesitant to take it…
Haven’t sorted through all the reasons this is making me nervous yet. Not wanting to let them down is certainly a part of it though.
Today i feel restless. Thoughts bounce around my brain at light speed, each one ricocheting off the next without completing.
Couldn’t decide what to post about for hours, despite having all kinds of crazy ideas while i was at work. Not a fan of feeling unfocused.
Friday, October 15,2004
Dead End Job
The clock on the wall is laughing at me moving impossibly slow prolonging my misery (Like a fly in amber)
I’ve come to hate it’s stark white face the sadistic servant of Time with dragging-footstepped pace
(golden and sleepy)
Time so slow and yet so fast mocking all the while minutes creep, but years fly past (imprisoned and static forever)
Feeling too tightly wound. Like a high e string protesting before it snaps. I need to find a non-destructive way to blow off steam before I make myself sick. Or actually do go off on someone…
I have always been fascinated by human behavior and why we think and act the way we do. The whole ‘what makes people tick’ thing. Wildly entertained by my recent reading that posits that we run on autopilot most of the time and are not even aware of our own motivations! But if questioned, the brain will create a story; accuracy optional. It prompts me to live with more awareness; but thats me…
Um; off the top of my head.. Hallucinations, The Power of Habit are two books i have read recently that made me think.
My evening that i was so excited about ended up a disaster. We were supposed to watch some dvds, have some drinks and munchies. Casual hang-out, get to know each other kind of thing.
So we are watching The Last Stand when i catch a migrane. The evening is wrecked at this point. Except he didn’t get upset. He took care of me. Which is an odd experience for me in general.
Maybe the evening wasn’t such a disaster after all… 🙂
Have a ‘not-a-date’ date tomorrow. I hate being in the hazy place of wondering what the other person is thinking or wanting.