So yeah

Today is wierd. Im dealing with so many things that are new and strange. Not bad things either; which is probably where the wierd part comes in. Feeling exposed, cracked open; like i cant hide anything ever again.
Had an amazing time with the kiddo πŸ™‚



Feeling sad today. My kiddos summer activity that i was able to see her by attending, is over til school ends. I will get to see her at christmastime, but that seems far off, and its harder to schedule time with school and her adoptive parents recent split.
Shes the coolest, and even if she wasnt to anyone except me, i’d still miss her terribly. For now all i can do is be there for her as much as she wants me to be. And try to go over any questions she may have so that if she ever asks; my response is not crying hysterically. Still working on that one…

Fb bs

I think I will be abstaining from a certain social media site for an indefinite period. Having a hard time not calling bullshit on a few people’s postings. Although I personally might find it amusing to speak my mind, and see how many “unfriend” me; I dunno. Guess I believe that your wall is a proper place for your viewpoints and unless the bs you post is harmful to others, its not my place to comment.
But, omg! Seriously? So sick of the obvious pity bid posts! “Waaah, poor me!” Barf


I refuse to be unhappy on any level today! My non-biological big brother is visiting from out of state! Haven’t seen him in almost a decade. He is sacked out currently, the ten hour drive to get here really took it out of him. Saw pics and video of his two little girls…
I really appreciate the being able to put him up, even in my tiny, tiny living space; because my ex would never ever have allowed this visit, despite having a dedicated guest room.
Its the small things really.


I just got a message from the man i am legally married to. I told him in December nearly two years ago that we were done. We have had seperate apts for nearly a year. He cheated on me, was physically abusive, and made me think that i was crazy, and all the problems in the relationship were my fault. I am ashamed to say that I am still trying to sort out what was real, orΒ  if anything was.
The message said that we need to have a serious conversation, because there are things we need to iron out. I am again ashamed to admit that I am physically shaking after reading that. Trying to stay positive and hopeful that it means hes going to grant me a divorce! But I really dont think thats the case somehow. Odds are he will accuse me of some wild shit, play victim, and if Im very, very lucky, i will walk out miserable, but alive

Please dont read

I need to confess my feelings somewhere, so apologies and quick escape to anyone reading this…
Im in love. Goddammit. In love with the same man I have loved for the last eleven years or a dozen? What is the difference past the point of pathetic?
Tho, I can’t say that he makes me feel pathetic. Tongue-tied and derpy, yes. But thats because he is doing crazy things; like kissing me in public, which I’ve never done before. And saying wild, entirely insane things about his feelings and yeah… i am seriously blushing trying to write this.
I think that we may be wildly, nauseatingly happy. πŸ™‚
I don’t feel that i deserve this


So I am somewhat ashamed over the state of my blog. As it was started with the intent to learn to express myself better; and I haven’t been posting at all lately, despite all the craziness that has transpired.
So, I will do my best to translate over!